I sure felt stupid. Not only had I just looked stupid, I had drawn it out at first trying to avoid it, which actually made me look MORE stupid. I felt like it biggest idiot in the room, the stupid beginner, the unrealistic fake.
I left replaying the incident over and over, and thinking, “Well, that was a FAIL!!” I knew what Dad would say, “Failure is not Final! I am glad you failed.” But somehow it didn’t work. I couldn’t stop going back and watching myself. Imagining a scenario where I had saved myself from complete humiliation. However much I tried, I found my thoughts returning to it, over and over.
I tried reasoning, I also tried my normal, “Well if they judge you for that, then they are not the types of people you want to be friends with, anyway.” It all came full-circle back to my feeling of shame and humiliation, fear of silent judgment and lost hope.
Finally what I found that worked was the most obvious. I had to remember my identity. I was praying and taking all my coping skills that I had tried over and over, and instead of doing them myself, I did them with God. Then I did something I had never done before. In my mind, I went back to that uncomfortable spot, and without anyone there I mentally praised the Lord and danced. I have never tried that, but it was very surprising. I then re-imagined the experience knowing God was with me and smiling on me. Whenever I felt like an idiot, I felt God’s presence, and smiled knowing I had a “secret” friend that didn’t care.
Remember today, God’s has you back. We can try t fix things by ourselves, but really we need God.