I Felt Like an Idiot…

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I sure felt stupid.  Not only had I just looked stupid, I had drawn it out at first trying to avoid it, which actually made me look MORE stupid.  I felt like it biggest idiot in the room, the stupid beginner, the unrealistic fake.

I left replaying the incident over and over, and thinking, “Well, that was a FAIL!!”  I knew what Dad would say, “Failure is not Final!  I am glad you failed.”  But somehow it didn’t work.  I couldn’t stop going back and watching myself.  Imagining a scenario where I had saved myself from complete humiliation.  However much I tried, I found my thoughts returning to it, over and over.

I tried reasoning, I also tried my normal, “Well if they judge you for that, then they are not the types of people you want to be friends with, anyway.”  It all came full-circle back to my feeling of shame and humiliation, fear of silent judgment and lost hope.

Finally what I found that worked was the most obvious.  I had to remember my identity.  I was praying and taking all my coping skills that I had tried over and over, and instead of doing them myself, I did them with God.  Then I did something I had never done before.  In my mind, I went back to that uncomfortable spot, and without anyone there I mentally praised the Lord and danced.  I have never tried that, but it was very surprising.  I then re-imagined the experience knowing God was with me and smiling on me.  Whenever I felt like an idiot, I felt God’s presence, and smiled knowing I had a “secret” friend that didn’t care.

Remember today, God’s has you back.  We can try t fix things by ourselves, but really we need God.

Anna

3 thoughts on “I Felt Like an Idiot…

  1. AMAZING!!!!! I just read this in Abba’s Child. Was thinking of talking about it with the family. Might have to pull a Judah Smith tonight – “Your mother and I want to talk with you….” Love you.

  2. Anna, your maturity and wisdom is beyond your years… Many people would not be able to process an experience with such grace.

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